When I was a senior at Dartmouth College, I was so fortunate to have Ernest Hebert as my creative writing professor. Professor H is probably the quirkiest person in New Hampshire, as evidenced by this gem from him, which landed in my email inbox this morning.
Below, Ernest Hebert on the importance of towels as a fashion accessory. Professor H is right - your towel is an expression of who you are.
"You're a young guy leaving home for the first time. Your mother will want you to
bring a dozen or so towels. Don't fight her on this issue. Let her fold them and
put them in your bag. Stop at the nearest dumpster and throw away all the towels
but one.
The remaining towel will be your stealth fashion accessory. You will use it
exclusively. It will never see the chemicals of soap, nor be battered and
stretched by washing machines, nor overheated by dryers. As the weeks turn to
months and the months to years, the towel will take on the essence of your very
being.
Keep your towel cool and damp. Nothing speaks more articulately of who you are
than your damp towel, especially as discovered by a visiting woman friend as she
enters your bathroom only to find there is but one towel, your towel, and that
that towel is damp and clammy. Your towel's aroma will act as a powerful
aphrodisiac.
Never hang a towel evenly on a rack, because the air might get to it and dry it
out. Always clump it up before placing it on the rack. Practice clumping up your
towel to keep the moisture from evaporating.
You will be tempted to throw the towel on the floor. Don't! You can't control
the clump of the towel if you throw it. It may just land sprawled out and nearly
flat, a condition which will hasten its drying within six or seven hours. So,
okay, throw the towel down, but make sure to clump it before leaving the
bathroom. Use your foot, all the better if there is a shoe in it. You don't want
to bend over to clump a towel, because you might endanger your back.
Your towel will do double-duty as a bath mat and can also be used to whisk away
the corona of stray trickles around the toilet.
A well-damped towel can last thirty or forty hours, though a hot day and a
well-ventilated bathroom can speed up drying time. To keep the air in the
bathroom still and moist disconnect the vent and nail any windows shut.
Shower daily upon rising and twice daily in hot weather. It's important to
remember the purpose of showering. It is not to keep clean. You take a shower
every day to keep your towel damp.
You say you already clump your towels. Good boy. You'll do just fine away from
home."
Below, Ernest Hebert on the importance of towels as a fashion accessory. Professor H is right - your towel is an expression of who you are.
"You're a young guy leaving home for the first time. Your mother will want you to
bring a dozen or so towels. Don't fight her on this issue. Let her fold them and
put them in your bag. Stop at the nearest dumpster and throw away all the towels
but one.
The remaining towel will be your stealth fashion accessory. You will use it
exclusively. It will never see the chemicals of soap, nor be battered and
stretched by washing machines, nor overheated by dryers. As the weeks turn to
months and the months to years, the towel will take on the essence of your very
being.
Keep your towel cool and damp. Nothing speaks more articulately of who you are
than your damp towel, especially as discovered by a visiting woman friend as she
enters your bathroom only to find there is but one towel, your towel, and that
that towel is damp and clammy. Your towel's aroma will act as a powerful
aphrodisiac.
Never hang a towel evenly on a rack, because the air might get to it and dry it
out. Always clump it up before placing it on the rack. Practice clumping up your
towel to keep the moisture from evaporating.
You will be tempted to throw the towel on the floor. Don't! You can't control
the clump of the towel if you throw it. It may just land sprawled out and nearly
flat, a condition which will hasten its drying within six or seven hours. So,
okay, throw the towel down, but make sure to clump it before leaving the
bathroom. Use your foot, all the better if there is a shoe in it. You don't want
to bend over to clump a towel, because you might endanger your back.
Your towel will do double-duty as a bath mat and can also be used to whisk away
the corona of stray trickles around the toilet.
A well-damped towel can last thirty or forty hours, though a hot day and a
well-ventilated bathroom can speed up drying time. To keep the air in the
bathroom still and moist disconnect the vent and nail any windows shut.
Shower daily upon rising and twice daily in hot weather. It's important to
remember the purpose of showering. It is not to keep clean. You take a shower
every day to keep your towel damp.
You say you already clump your towels. Good boy. You'll do just fine away from
home."
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